Thursday, January 23, 2014

Why I sometimes go to bed angry

One of the most common pieces of advice that couples receive before they get married is "never go to bed angry" well I have to admit that I don't really agree with this advice, at least not for me. This was actually a topic that Kristian and I had to discuss quite a bit during our pre-marriage counseling because we are very different in how we prefer to handle conflict.

He always wants to hash things out immediately and definitely falls into the "never go to bed angry" camp. I, however, prefer to stew a bit before diving right into whatever we are disagreeing about. I like to have time to really think about and compose my thoughts/arguments on the subject and even if we "resolve" a disagreement a lot of times I'm still worked up about it for at least a day afterwards.

So for me, whenever I'm upset about something, especially if that something happens in the evening I would prefer to just go to bed. Sleep on it. And hopefully wake up more clear headed, less angry and better able to discuss whatever the issue is because it's amazing how in the light of morning issues that seemed SO huge the night before no longer seem to matter quite as much. If I'm forced to talk things out immediately I have more of a tendency to say things I may regret later.

This obviously is something we've had to work on and adjust to since our styles are completely opposite but for the most part we've done well. I think my husband now understand that giving me some space before duking it out typically works out more in his favor while I understand that I can't keep him or our issues left hanging forever. As much as I hate conflict I've found that discussing/resolving things within a 24 period usually works out best for the both of us.

6 comments:

Kathy @ Vodka and Soda said...

that is total BS. you need time to cool off and sometimes sleep is just the thing. when you're in the heat of the moment, you can't think straight and are often blinded by your anger. when you come back with a level head, you're much more open to his thoughts and feelings instead of: I AM MAD AT YOU! YOU ARE WRONG! APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY!! lol

-kathy
Vodka and Soda

Hilary @ Peanut Butter Spoonfuls said...

Agree, this is overused advice! I'm more of a has it out immediately type but my husband is like you and I have to admit sometimes waiting until morning is better. Everything just seems better in the morning anyways.

Fiona said...

I agree that this is silly advice!! Sometimes I do like to hash it out then and there but other times I would rather sleep on it and have definitely gone to bed angry without thinking it is a big deal. I think it is best just to do what works best for you and your other half, but this silly old advice!

Shannon said...

A sign of a good marriage is willing to work out differences in fighting styles. Sounds like you and K got that down!

Melody said...

I think this is works in all anger fueled situations, not just marriage issues. I am the same way.... my main problem is that people don't respect my need for decompressing, and keep yakking in my face about the issue. Ugh.

princess apr said...

I agree. Issues need to be discussed within a day, but immediately isn't always the issue. We're prone to "you always" or "you never" or name calling. Time apart seems to help a lot.