Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Hand Off

One thing I haven’t talked about yet is who will be walking me down the aisle. I don’t really like the term “giving me away”…I don’t feel like I’m a piece of property that can be given away. Despite my lack of affection for that term that didn’t stop me from wanting to have someone walk me down the aisle and “present” me to Kristian. First off, I like the tradition and secondly I will probably be too nervous to make it the whole way by myself.

I know that most women have their father walk them down and to be honest I always get a little teary watching this part of the ceremony. It’s cute watching the fathers get all emotional and is just such a sweet father/daughter moment. With that said I will not be having my father walk me down the aisle.

My parents divorced over 20 years ago and both before and after the divorce I was never really close with my dad. I was always a mama’s girl. My relationship, actually my whole family’s relationship, with my father has always been pretty rocky. He’s caused every member of my family and even his own family (i.e. my uncle) a tremendous amount of stress and without going into detail has basically been emotionally abusive. I have tried in the past to work on my relationship with my father. I’ve tried explaining to him why we all feel the way we do and point out the things that he’s done to cause us to not want a relationship with him. Yet he refuses to acknowledge or apologize for the part he’s played in the demise of our relationship but would rather continue to send long emails wondering why we all “hate” him and how he doesn’t understand what he’s done because in his mind he was a “great” father. I’ve finally stopped trying. I told him that while I wish him no ill will I think it’s best if he weren’t part of my life.

Because of this he will not only NOT be walking me down the aisle but he is also NOT invited to the wedding. In fact he doesn’t even know I’m engaged. He does know I have someone in my life but I never told him about the engagement. It may seem wrong but everyone in the family agrees this is for the best. He is the type of person who if he knew I was getting married would do whatever he could to find out the time/place and show up and cause a scene. Will I tell him I’m married after the fact? Perhaps.

Since I always knew that I didn’t want my father to walk me down the aisle I decided a long time ago (like when I was a teenager) that I would have my oldest brother Michael do the honors. Michael is 7 years older than me and has always been there to serve the fatherly role in my life. We’ve always been close, I even lived with him after college for a year and a half. He’s helped me with all the big moments of my life to date….teaching me how to drive stick shift, helping me apply to college, helping me purchase both of my cars, moving into all my various apartments and most recently gifting Kristian and I with a fabulous honeymoon. He and Kristian have become quite close and I know that Michael views him as a brother so I think it’s quite fitting for him to be the one to hand me off to Kristian on the wedding day.

I know that nowadays a lot of women will have their mother’s walk them down the aisle. And that was something I did consider but both my mother and I are pretty traditional when it comes to this sort of thing and she seemed really excited to watch her oldest child walk her youngest child down the aisle. She is also pretty excited that my other brother Keith will be escorting her down the aisle during the ceremony. I think it will be pretty emotional for us all.

14 comments:

Born to be Mrs. Beever said...

That sounds so perfect. I definitely think your big bro is the perfect choice! Especially since he played such a huge part in that honeymoon :) It sounds like you are handling the unfortunate emotional issues that come up about relationships when a wedding occurs with great maturity and responsibility. Keep yourself (and those around you) healthy both physically and mentally...smart girl. What a sweet moment you'll have with your brother.

Christin said...

I think that will be perfect! You need to feel comfortable on your day, and I think choosing your is wonderful!

My dad died when I was little, and although I have a great step-dad, I asked my dad's dad to walk me down the aisle.

Lacey Bean said...

Whatever works for you and will make you happy and comfortable! I had a friend who had her younger brother walk her down the aisle since her father was no longer in the picture. Dave is walking down the aisle (we want him to walk instead of stand at the front) with his mom, since his dad passed away when he was 18. My parents are both walking me down the aisle - but thats more of a jewish traditional thing. Or maybe thats just what my mom is telling me haha!

Dani said...

I'm having my only brother walk me down the aisle. (and he's only 19) I'm bucking tradition here too...

Alicia said...

awwww that sounds perfect!! your mom is going to be one emotional mess :) in a good way! and your brother must be so proud!

Bicoastal Bride said...

I think you made a wonderful decision. Your wedding day will be special, beautiful, and a time for celebrating those who bring positivity to your life.

d.a.r. said...

I think that it is awesome that you are going with your gut and what feels right for you!!

My biological father didn't know I was engaged..or in law school...or that I had been dating my now-husband for 6 years at the time of our wedding. I had my godfather and grandfather walk me down the aisle--the two most important men who had helped raise me handing me off to the most important man in my life.

bananas. said...

I don't talk to my father either. It's been years actually since i seen or heard from him which is just fine for me. I always say they are the ones missing out...

I think having your oldest brother is an excellent choice. I would probably do the same :)

april said...

I think it's better to have important people there. My college roommate had her stepfather over her father walk her down the aisle. Her father was in attendance and she had one photo with her father's side of the family, but most of her family photos were with her stepfather and his family. She did debate whether to invite her father at all, but she did it for her grandmother.

I had no choice. Both my parents walked me down the aisle. I don't think my mom was going to let my dad do it by himself, and it was all cool to me as long as I got married.

Jen said...

I like that you made the best decision for you, and there's so much meaning behind what you're doing. I'm sure your brother is absolutely honored, and the two of you will share a very special moment walking down that aisle.

Salt said...

I think it's wonderful that you are having your brother do the honors! In fact, it's great that both of your brothers are involved in the ceremony in that way. What a special thing for your family. :)

I don't think it's wrong at all that you kept your dad out of the loop. Had I been in that situation, I would have done the same thing. It's better to just avoid the drama if you know that nothing good can come of it.

Mrs T said...

I think having your brother walk with you will be wonderful. I am glad you have someone in your life that can share this special moment with you.


I have had drama with my Dad and wasn't sure if I should have him at my wedding either. On the day he was perfect, just like he used to be before the drama. It was bittersweet as after the wedding he is pretty much back to being prickly. But I am glad I had one day of good memories. Sorry about your Dad.

kanishk said...

You need to feel comfortable on your day, and I think choosing your is wonderful!
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Ela said...

I think it's wonderful that your brother will walk you down the aisle.
I hope that one day your father can see things as you do and take responsibility for his actions. But if not, I'm glad you have a wonderful family and husband to be in your life.
xo