Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Are We Nuts?? Maybe.

Today my lovely Bananas has a very interesting topic for her blog post. It’s actually funny timing that she posted this because a friend of mine and I were just discussing this recently and I had been meaning to write my thoughts on the subject.

When it comes to relationships everyone seems to have differing opinions on the timing of when an engagement should happen. For those that get engaged after less than a year of dating they often get the “are you nuts?”, “what’s the rush?”, “this will never last!” etc. etc. For those that date for years and years they get the “what took so long?”, “we didn’t think it would ever happen”, “it’s about time” etc. etc. Really, no one can win.

I’m in the first category of those that got engaged after less than a year of dating, in fact we were dating for only about six months when Kristian proposed. I’m pretty sure that more than one of my friends thought I was nuts or had doubts about whether we would last. To be honest I can’t say I blame them. I’ve always classified myself as a cynic, a pessimist and a wee bit judgemental at times. So if I were in their shoes I would have definitely been skeptical as well. I never imagined being one of those girls that would move so fast in a relationship. I had a plan… I would date someone for a year or two, get engaged, marry a year later, get pregnant a year after that and continue on until I had the white picket fence and 2.5 children. But as we all know life never goes according to plan.

Kristian and I actually started talking about marriage after only about 3 months of dating. WHOA right? I knew I wanted to marry him. I was 28, he was 30 and we both had spent the past decade dating/having relationships and knew what we did and did not want in a partner. And of course it was fun to talk about rings and weddings and what our life would be like but I didn’t really believe he would propose anytime soon. In fact I figured he would probably dump me a month later (I mentioned I’m a cynic right?). Well 3 months later he was down on one knee, holding out a ring and asking me to be his wife and I certainly wasn’t going to say no to this amazing man simply because he was ahead of some imaginary schedule I had in my head.

We’ve now been together for a year and a half, engaged for almost a year and living together for 8 months and I can honestly say things have only gotten better. Don’t get me wrong we have our fights and disagreements and we get on each other’s nerves but I have no doubts he’s the person I’m supposed to be with. We’ve already been through a lot together in our short relationship including job loss, major surgery, an international trip, living together and of course wedding planning which in my opinion is one of the most stressful things a couple can go through. There are so many emotions and family relations and financial aspects with planning a wedding…I know several couples that dated for years but then broke up during the wedding planning process. I also know couples that were engaged after only 3 months and have been married with kids for years while other couples who dated for years have already gotten divorce. You just never know what the future holds.

So after typing this brief novel my main point I guess is that regardless of whether a couple has dated for 6 weeks or 6 years by the time they get married, there are no guarantees. Unfortunately no one is immune from the possibility of divorce. People change and grow and you can only hope that you will grow together and that the love you have is able to withstand through not only the good but the bad as well. All relationships are different, what works for some may not work for others. Every couple should just go at their own pace and do what’s best for them. With that said...I still believe that all those Hollywood couples that meet and marry in the blink of an eye (I'm looking at YOU Khloe and Lamar!) are still destined for disaster...I did mention I'm a cynic right?

18 comments:

carrie1 said...

Well said! I totally agree. =)

Continuous Changes said...

You are right when you say there are no guarantees. My parents have been married nearly 30 years and are going through a bitter divorce. They seemed normal, happy and in love. SO NOT THE CASE!

I have been with my boyfriend for over 2.5 years now and we have lived together for about 2 years and 2 months. We moved in together pretty fast and had a really rough start to our relationship, but it is so great now! We grew together and i am thankful for that.

With that said, I don't see a proposal happening anytime soon and I am okay with that.

KLaw said...

Touche. Good points and all that jazz. :)

Brandy said...

I completely agree. My boyfriend and I are coming up on three years. I moved in with him after 8 months. All I can think about is Marriage. People as how long we have been together and when I tell them almost three years, they all have the same reaction..."its getting to be about that time isn't it?" Not to mention we are the only couple out of all of our friends not married. I feel like such an outsider!

Annie said...

agreed! ;)
my fiance and i started living together 3 months after we started dating (maybe even sooner than that). we knew we wanted to get married some day and we have always talked about the future. 3 years later, we're still going strong.
to each and their own! i wish everyone happiness.
have a great day sweets!

Toothfairy said...

agreee, though Boyfriend and I are not even living together yet, because we're still househunting, we're talking about marriage. We're together for over 4 years now, and even before we were really together, he asked me to marry him! ofcourse, that would be kind of crazy, but it did make me feel he's the one. We will get married within a few years though!

loves

LiLu said...

It is so funny how everyone has such a different idea of "when" things should happen. Then again, B and I decided to move in together after a month. Soooooooooo...

Elizabeth Marie said...

To each their own! Well said my love. I like this.

meredith said...

i think it all depends on the people and what kind of relationship they have. you're right - there are certainly no guarantees; and the only ones who can truly know is those in that relationship. all relationships and all people are different and no one can truly decide for another what is best, though we certainly cast our judgements!

Chelsea Talks Smack said...

my man and i started talking about it after about a month....and over a year later, were living together and i still feel the same way!

bananas. said...

oh boy...are you ready for my novel? here we go...

answer: yes you are nuts. HOWEVER i can tell you're madly in love. here's the problem, you mentioned your age was the reason for the quick proposal. why do so many people feel the need to rush because of age?! 28 and 30 is still young! seems like everyone is feeling the pressure now because 30 is just around the corner. i'm sure this is the same reason why my friend is getting hitched.

but here's why i'm still fussing over their 4 month deal (couldn't quite say all this in my post)...two weeks before she met her fiance she was with her ex. the same ex she swore she would marry. before him, she was with a guy she was madly in love with. the girl moves from guy to guy and EVERY time she is ALL ABOUT THAT GUY. she lucked out this time though because he proposed.

but anyway, now that i've typed your ear off i still think less than a year is too soon but that's me.

bananas. said...

oh and you made a very valid point..."no one is immune from the possibility of divorce". SO TRUE.

Ela said...

When S and I were getting married I had someone ask me if it was going to be my "starter marriage" I nearly slapped the woman.
You are absolutely right, marriage doesn't guarantee anything - it's all up to the couple, it takes a lot more than love and it takes a lot of work. It's funny, but I always think that if I wasn't married right now and I were dating, in 3 months I would know if I wanted to marry the guy. I think you hit a certain age/stage and you just know. I also think when people think of marriage and not just the wedding, they're off to a fabulous start. I know you and K will have your happily ever after :)
xo

d.a.r. said...

Everyone's relationship is sooo different, it's ridiculous to compare or say that everyone has to follow the same rules!

I was one of those girls that no one said "congrats" to when I got engaged...instead, it was all "oh my goodness, FINALLY!!!" haha!

Brandy said...

Me too d.a.r. My little sister got married over a year ago at a very young age. Everyone was crying so much at the wedding because "our baby" was leaving us that it almost looked like a freaking funeral. There definitely won't be tears at my wedding (unless you count tears of joy) because it's finally happening!

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

I read miss Bananas post and agreed her friend seemed to be rushing into things. However, I don't know her whole story.

Yours doesn't sound crazy at all. You've had a long engagment, including living together. We started looking at rings 10 months into our relationship and got engaged 11 months in. Married 10 months later. So all in all we hadn't been dating even 2 years when we said I do. People probably thought we were crazy, but oh well. Then a month before our first anniversary I'm pregnant. We were trying, but many people thought we should have enjoyed just being married.

Whatever, it's our life and we love it! Sometimes you just have to ignore the cynics.

Born to be Mrs. Beever said...

This topic is always on everyone's mind and I agree with most of what you said...there are no guarantees and I too have known people to get married less than a year after dating and have been together for 20 years while those who dated for years before the marriage divorced quickly.

That said, I think it is a personal choice for each person. That's why I agree that there should be no 'Are you nuts?' or 'What took so long?' comments from people? My sister was dating, engaged and married within less than 2 years to her now husband. They were pregnant 2 months after the honeymoon and now have 2 kids...and the marriage is a little rocky right now :(

Me personally? I have been with Mr Fix It almost 6 years now and he proposed right before our 5 year anniversary. That was a bit long for me and had we hit the 5 yr mark, I may have flown the coop out of frustration. But I also always said there was no way I'd ever get married without having dated someone for at least 2 years minimum...because most of my relationships lasted 2 yrs and they gave me time to truly get to go through stuff with the person.

I have 2 girlfriends who got engaged within 6 months of each other...one had been with her boy for 4 or 5 years, the other just got engaged 2 weeks ago after only 7 months of dating...they are both 23 years old. And I think both of them will have successful happy marriages. But I agree, there are friends I know (like my sis and another friend) who I believe rushed into the marriage just because they felt the 30 year age itch nagging them. I don't think age should have anything to do with it...it's about the people, not the years involved :) Great post and comments.

april said...

Interesting POV, and I agree. I know people who have known each other forever and I think they're relationship is totally wrong (though I'll never say it loud because they did finally get married). We dated 4 1/2 years when we got engaged and were engaged for almost 2 years, but we were also only 22 at the time. I thought we were rushing things as it is, but I guess it must have been right. :) 10 years and counting. When it's right, it's right. Why wait? (But, you know, wait for more than 2 weeks... should have time to at least have a major vacation together and a holiday or two in there).