Monday, December 12, 2011

Fears

As of today I am officially 38 weeks pregnant and my due date is exactly two weeks away. Of course, baby boy could come at any point between now and then. The nursery is finally finished (pictures to come), the house is decorated for Christmas, we've stocked up on toiletries and non perishable items so that we can just make some quick runs to the store initially, we're getting caught up on laundry, we've started Christmas shopping (if a few gifts end up coming late I suspect we'll be forgiven) so in the preparedness sense we're basically ready for his arrival.

In the mental and emotional sense I could use another few months. I'm not gonna lie I'm scared, anxious, terrified, having a panic attack daily at the thought of actually having this child. My primary fear at the moment is labor itself. I don't do pain. I don't do sickness. My tolerance for either is LOW. And I realize there are pain meds available (sign me up!) but typically you experience at least some pain prior to receiving those. The fact is this child needs to come out of my body, someway, somehow and none of the options for making that happen sound pleasant. I'm scared of going into labor while at work or even in the middle of night.  I'm scared of having the baby at home or in the car (both of which are unlikely I know). The thought of a scheduled C-section where I know the time it's going to happen and can skip most of the actual labor part sounds more and more appealing (though this won't happen unless there is medical cause for it). So much of my fear is the unknown aspect of everything. I'm a planner. I'm a bit of a control freak. This is basically the complete opposite of what I'm comfortable with.

I realize the pain part is temporary and results in the best, most incredible gift ever but then there are the fears that creep in about something going wrong. What if something happens to the baby or to me. I've had a pretty easy pregnancy to this point so there's no reason to think something will go wrong but you just don't know. It's terrifying to think of all the possible complications. This is where the Internet can be your worst enemy.

And finally there is the whole bringing the baby home and actually having to take care of him. Yeah I have no clue what I'm doing. People say so much of it is just instinct but what if I'm missing that gene?

Don't get me wrong I'm SO excited to meet this little guy growing inside me, to see his face and kiss the little feet that keep kicking me and see my husband hold him. It's going to be amazing, I know that and I try to focus on that but these other fears keep creeping in. I'm trying to enjoy these last couple weeks/days of being pregnant and having my son all to myself but I'm scared. I'm not gonna lie.

9 comments:

KLaw said...

You will surprise yourself at just how much is instinctual. And you have a good group of friends that have had babies and gone through it.

As for the labor part, i can't tell you anything about that. I laid on a table and got sliced. But you're right. it will ALL be worth it in the end. Take advantage of all the help from the nurses in the hospital. And don't rush home. Take your time there. Stay as long as you want. And get the help. I regret rushing home so fast.

Meg said...

Girl I am right there with you. I am scared to death about the whole labor party. I don't worry about bringing the baby home part--I mean I'm a peds nurse, I should be able to do this (right?!?!).

But seriously, I need this little bean baby to find a way to just appear outside of my body--no labor necessary. ;)

Enjoy these next few hours, days or weeks, whatever it shall be! I can't wait to see the nursery.

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

Believe me. Having a date and time doesn't help. As my induction day grew nearer and nearer, my fear of the unknown grew stronger and stronger. Living in ignorant bliss would have almost been better. When the day finally came though I was pretty calm. I was just SOO ready not to be pregnant anymore I didn't really care how he came out! You're going to to do great! And epidurals are a woman's best friend! :)

Heather said...

I can completely understand the way you feel, because when it's my turn someday, I expect to feel the same. I also don't do well with pain of any kind, and although I do want to have children, it also scares me. I am in total agreement about the benefits of the pain meds, too, and hope they help you out a lot when the time comes!

Kristen said...

I would think you were nuts if you weren't worried about these things!

I was constantly in fear that my water would break in front of my class or something, but it never did break until I was at the hospital.

Labor and contractions are indeed painful, but honestly I have already forgotton about the pain, in fact by the next morning it was a distant memory (kind of like it was a dream or something...hard to explain).

You will do great!

april said...

I totally had a fear my water would break somewhere not convenient (read: anywhere not in the shower). I used to have the fear I would poop on the delivery table, but the c-section relieved me of that fear at least.

I went into labor despite the scheduled c-section, but my water never broke per se so I avoided that fear, too. There were a whole bunch of other labor symptoms I didn't know so those were kind of a nice surprise, but I mostly had back pain (which I had anyway being as big as a house).

I can't say it won't be painful or at least a bit of "discomfort", but I hope it's speedy no matter what form of delivery you have.

As for taking care of the baby, the baby can only do a few things - sleep, mess a diaper and eat. Take care of those things and you're pretty much good for the first few weeks. It's much harder to take care of yourself during that time than the baby, but you'll have a lot of help and people to turn to for advice so I don't doubt you'll be a great mama.

AmyJean {Relentless Bride / Fry, The Baby} said...

I totally understand. We know there will be pain but can it be tolerated? I say that you have a good mental focus on the pain - knowing its temporary and for a great cause - your baby!!! Just focus on the fact that with each increased contraction that just means your baby is one step closer to being in your arms. That's where I'm going to try to focus my thoughts through each wave of pressure that comes :) You will be amazing ... :)

~KS said...

I know exactly how you feel... because in between the total excitement, I feel panic and fear almost every minute. What if I let her down? What if I screw this up for? What if I can't give her what she needs? Yeah... worry all the time.

But everyone keeps telling me just love her to pieces. I bet if you do that with your little dude, the rest will figure itself out. And after all, loving these little people shouldn't be all that hard, right ;)

Stephanie said...

I feel you on this post!! We had our childbirth marathon class last weekend and I came away terrified! I decided I didn't want natural, epidural or c-section and they needed to figure another way to get this baby out of me! And I still have 11 more weeks to go!