As of today I am officially 38 weeks pregnant and my due date is exactly two weeks away. Of course, baby boy could come at any point between now and then. The nursery is finally finished (pictures to come), the house is decorated for Christmas, we've stocked up on toiletries and non perishable items so that we can just make some quick runs to the store initially, we're getting caught up on laundry, we've started Christmas shopping (if a few gifts end up coming late I suspect we'll be forgiven) so in the preparedness sense we're basically ready for his arrival.
In the mental and emotional sense I could use another few months. I'm not gonna lie I'm scared, anxious, terrified, having a panic attack daily at the thought of actually having this child. My primary fear at the moment is labor itself. I don't do pain. I don't do sickness. My tolerance for either is LOW. And I realize there are pain meds available (sign me up!) but typically you experience at least some pain prior to receiving those. The fact is this child needs to come out of my body, someway, somehow and none of the options for making that happen sound pleasant. I'm scared of going into labor while at work or even in the middle of night. I'm scared of having the baby at home or in the car (both of which are unlikely I know). The thought of a scheduled C-section where I know the time it's going to happen and can skip most of the actual labor part sounds more and more appealing (though this won't happen unless there is medical cause for it). So much of my fear is the unknown aspect of everything. I'm a planner. I'm a bit of a control freak. This is basically the complete opposite of what I'm comfortable with.
I realize the pain part is temporary and results in the best, most incredible gift ever but then there are the fears that creep in about something going wrong. What if something happens to the baby or to me. I've had a pretty easy pregnancy to this point so there's no reason to think something will go wrong but you just don't know. It's terrifying to think of all the possible complications. This is where the Internet can be your worst enemy.
And finally there is the whole bringing the baby home and actually having to take care of him. Yeah I have no clue what I'm doing. People say so much of it is just instinct but what if I'm missing that gene?
Don't get me wrong I'm SO excited to meet this little guy growing inside me, to see his face and kiss the little feet that keep kicking me and see my husband hold him. It's going to be amazing, I know that and I try to focus on that but these other fears keep creeping in. I'm trying to enjoy these last couple weeks/days of being pregnant and having my son all to myself but I'm scared. I'm not gonna lie.